Sleep, Dream, and Waking Up

Sleep it off, they said
Because everything is going to be normal again once you wake up

Then I closed my eyes,
Images flashed around my mind
It was you. Again.
Somewhere, someplace where we finally conquered the world

Now I'm confused
Should I shut my eyes still,
perhaps forever?
or wake up and face the reality?

I can't stay conscious
My mind will always show your face.

It's a myth.

I don't want to sleep again,
because you always popped up in my dreams.

Was, Were

"I'm not even so sure, but
I even went to your favorite place,
hoping that you were not there

Cause I don't even know
how to act
when you're actually here and there"

Malam Malam Lenje

Hari ini aku tidak kudapatkanmu,
nyata sudah ketakutanku.

Akulah orang yang paling menyadari saat ini,
kau tidak perlu berkata, aku sudah paham.
Namun aku risau,
aku tidak ingin tangis itu jatuh lagi,
aku ingin kau bertumpu,
berbaring, dan terlepas.
Tenang, ada aku kok.
Jika kau hilang tonggak,
aku batumu.

Membingkas aku dari delusi.
Menyaksikan keganjalan.
Kulihat sesosok,
Itu kau!
Bukan kau,
bukan kau.
Putus asa.

Aku jera,
mendambakanmu bukanlah hal yg sederhana,
habis waktuku untuk mengitar dan merayau.
Tapi, ku ulangi terus.
Walau lelah ketempat yg lebih tinggi,
mendaki demi sebuah figur.
Kukeruk semuanya,
demi seberkas asa.

Lucunya,
Kau bahkan tidak akan pernah merasa,
karena semuanya kubuat dengan jarak.

Mata bertemu mata, aku tersenyum seperti biasa.
Topeng kupakaikan,
kusembunyikan lelahnya eskpedisi ini,
seolah kita bertemu karena takdir.
Lalu, kau akan merangkulku lagi,
tanpa tahu leburnya hati ini
jika kau melakukannya.

All About You

My life is pretty bored, in other to make some colors in it, I choose TVs and Movies to be the crayon. Lately, this past year actually, I've been caught up with AFI list. You know, AFI has its way to make a listing, 100 of them. From "all the time" category into more specific categories such us "laugh", "cheer", "passions" etc. Let me ask, do you know what movie that got the first position in the AFI chart? 

No! It's not Avengers. Gosh.

It's Citizen Kane. Released in 1941.

I wasn't even born yet. Worst, even my country hasn't even got its independency. 

Anyway, watching TV and Movie is always a real pleasure for me. Don't get me start on how much TV series that I've been watched, about my personal favorite movies, etc. If you have forever, that I'll do it.  

This month I found a really great TV show from Netflix called Frankie and Grace.

Fuck, that was good. Real good. This is basically comedy, but a comedy who can also turn your emotion upside down, just like Parks and Recreation, in a romantic and frantic way. 

Then, cause of Grace and Frankie which played by the amazing Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin, I traced back her movies one by one. Until I realized, I forget how long I left my AFI movies collection. Then I found a good one from that "passions" list. Titled, On Golden Pond. 1981. Played by young Jane Fonda, her old man Henry Fonda and the great Katherine Hepburn. This was the last movie played by Henry and he's got the Academy Awards for his very last role. 

The point is, I love how this classic movies works. The scoring, the minimalist frame, the accent actors/actresses, the limitation even make things more beautiful. 

Oh thank God, I'm that lucky to realize that this movies are just priceless. 

Wait, till I talk about Meryl and Diane in other post. Nah, you'll be tired of listening me adoring and worshiping her. 

Okay, next I will watch Lawrence of Arabia, 1962, number 7 from AFI's Greatest American Films of All Time. Do you want to join?

Rendezvous (5 Seconds)

bahagia

seolah tidak tahu apa yang akan terjadi di masa datang
harapan baru bermunculan
setiap kali kau melintas

lagi lagi,
kita tidak butuh 2 jam untuk berfantasi bersama
tidak perlu ungkapan secara implisit.
aku begitu mengenalimu
gesturmu
kelembutan tanganmu saat mendekapku lebih dekat
senyuman bulan sabit mu

aku hanya butuh 5 detik untuk menikmati semuanya

aku pernah sekali mendengar,
kau berkata kepada yang lain,
setelah pertemuan 5 detik itu,
bahwa,
akulah yang kau banggakan.

seseorang menyampaikan padaku juga
katanya,
kau mengindahkanku,
kau memujiku dan memujaku
setelah pertemuan 5 detik itu.

lebih baik seperti ini,
walaupun selalu singkat
aku sungguh lebih ingin tahu dengan cara demikian,
dibanding kau menyampaikannya secara langsung.
nanti, aku jadi berharap lebih
nanti, aku meninggi
dari 5 detik menjadi 1 menit
tak kubiarkan diri ini terbang lebih jauh.

Somewhere I'm A Sailor Who Sailed The Ocean

Somewhere I'm an Oscar winner
for the category Best Original Screenplay
a play based on my extraordinary life

Somewhere I'm on the other universe
where we sit in a table of two
enjoying our breakfast at Port Orchard.

Somewhere, I want to start gardening
then do it over and over again
for the rest of my life

Somewhere I want to be a wedding singer
to embrace every single happy love song

Somewhere I want to dig my own grave
so I don't have to worry about
the day I die

Somewhere I'm a campaign manager,
who could make Hillary win the 2016 race

Somewhere I live a very fine life
with 2 adorable kids and
a perfect partners to be cuddled

Somewhere I'm not waiting for the miracle,
you on the other hand, waiting for my final answer

Somewhere I'm a successful practitioner
yet I'm also a compassionate lectures

Somewhere
Somewhere
Where you and I are not even exist

No happy end. Just happy without an end.

Ini yang seharian dipikirin di kantor

Semalam, secara random gue menulis beginian di timeline twitter gue.

"It's funny when someone become so important in your life, but not the other way around"

Setelah sadar, 5 menit muncul di timeline, gue menghapus tweet tadi. Gue mulai berpikir, kenapa yah kok akhir - akhir ini gue suka nge tweet yang gloomy terus sok sok an galau gitu, Kadang banyak posting yang terjadi tanpa kuasa gue. Mungkin justru karena alam bawah sadar yang bekerja, jadi lebih jujur aja. 

Engga kok, gue engga sedesperate itu juga. Kadang gue berpikir, kenapa yah galau jadi trend? Coba cek deh di Instagram atau Path orang - orang (gue ga punya path), kalo posting quotes galau gitu, pasti laku keras deh. Likes sama loves nya jadi banyak banget. Apa emang betul banyak orang yang merasa demikian, jadi kayak senasib sepenanggungan? Atau emang secara stimulan lo adalah orang yang, yaudah like aja biar asik? Entah gue juga gatau gue masuk manusia yang mana. 

Pikiran gue cukup melonjak kalo mikirin hal ginian. Kadang nih ya, bisa bener - bener mikirin, namun karena pembawaan gue yang super sesantai ini, jadi orang orang ya ga bakal tau kalo gue mungkin lagi kenapa - kenapa. Terus tiba - tiba gue nge tweet, again secara ga sadar (defensif) baru deh orang aware. Biasanya abis ada yang nanya kenapa gue nge tweet gitu, gue pun ga bisa ngebales. Karena somehow gue ga ngerti gue mikirin apa, dan gue lagi kenapa. 

Balik lagi ke tweet diatas (seiring dengan menulisnya ini, gue berpikir ulang). Kenapa ya manusia bisa merasakan hal - hal yang dia tepis untuk dia rasakan. Atau sebenernya, manusia itu enjoy dengan setiap rasa yang di miliki. Sejujurnya, menjadikan seseorang dunia lo itu gak ada salahnya. Hal pentingnya adalah, lo jangan ngarep kalo dia bakal melakukan hal yang sama. Kalo tulus, ya di santai in aja, do not stop caring for someone, if you are willing to do it.  Kalo ga kuat, kalo lo tiba - tiba baper ya berhenti sekarang juga. Tapi terkadang, orang kan boleh bingung yah. Manusiawi kan?

(Below from Law and Order SVU 7.19 Fault)

Tweetnya udah diapus, masih aja dibahas. 

Ini nulis apaan sih, 

Kayak anak SMA aja. 

Compliance

kamu,
punya perasaan sedalam lautan,
tak bisa kau jabarkan dengan kata apapun,
setiap kali melihatnya,
kau selalu ingin berada di dekapnya,
dia hangat,
karena dia memelukmu dengan erat,
dan menepuk bahumu,
seolah dia tahu apa yang kau rasakan.
tidak, dia tidak tahu yang sebenernya.
lalu dia lepaskan pelukan terhangat itu,
lepas landas.
hati ini terasa pilu,
sakit melihatnya menjauh
tapi, langkah kaki membatu
kamu diam,
sampai akhirnya dia tak terlihat lagi.
sadar setelahnya, kamu berlari,
tetapi dia berlari lebih kencang,
kamu mendaki tempat yang lebih tinggi lagi,
demi melihatnya pergi sekilas.
lalu, kau ulangi sampai kau puas,

Esok harinya, kau bertemu nya lagi
dia memelukmu lagi,
dan kau melakukan hal yang serupa
sama seperti kemarin.

kadang lelah,
entahlah,
kau senang dengan apa yang kaulakukan,
dan kau se rela itu.

End Game

There's a famous line which says "i love you so much it hurts"

well, maybe just maybe, it is true

Have you ever feel stuck? sure, you wanted to get out, but seems, you can't find the way. Or maybe,

you're just too blind to see the gateway.

But again,you demand to stay, even it is hurts. Even it is breaks your heart into pieces

Here's my bullet points,

Confessing doesn't make you feel any better, people might say that,

"God, you are the bravest girl in the whole world for finally admitting that you are in love with him".

Well, I did pull some stunt of action, but then again, everything didn't always turn the way you wanted to.

You will have a glimpse of hope after said those 3 words,you will feel that universe approved what you were doing. Then when the situation turns to be unpredictable one, you start reviewing the whole act, you start to sensing the hateful.

There's no one to remind you that this, isn't anybody's fault. You are completely strangers to him and apparently, you have to start thinking like him. So nobody gets hurt, so anybody can get home safely

home, I chuckled

shit, I just remember

that you are my shelter,

my last harbor

my hangar

my end game

home isn't always that good nowadays,

shit.

Time and Space

Back then, I begged God to give me more time. Time to conversed, time to blathered, time to be closed to you. Eventually, I found my way to be near you, to sat next to you, to devoured your thoughts and mine. As the time goes by, time itself become something that keep us apart.

Back then, we used to talk until we weren't sure how much time that passed, I had forever to hear your fantasies.

Now, as the time become more valuable to both of us, I don't need 3 hours, 1 hour, or even 7 minutes. I don't need to hear your husky voice. 3 seconds is enough. Enough to see you smile. Enough to be able to hug you, and enough to verbally says "I miss you" to each other.

Even, seeing you from the distances, when you spell out your other ideas to the others, make me happy. I'm not even grumble about "that should be me" thing. Even though, we have a little space between us, again blame the time, I know that you speak highly of me in front of that others. I am that happy.

I set myself at the very low bar when it comes to term of "happiness". Happiness is over rated.

I should stop chasing you, but I won't let my self not to see you when I know that you're around.