Just don't test me

You try to keep your emotion in check

sometimes, you clench your fist tight.

Because you know when you act up, it will get ugly

and many physical contact will involve

it will be unbearable, inconsolable for them

so, you put countless effort to ignore

But, they keep pressing you

don't blame her in the forthcoming

Greed

I got greedy all over again,
I demand to see you in every time today
The needs of making coincidences is really this high
Because,
for the next days I won't be able to see you
even to see a glimpse, a backside of your back
I can't even see you from the very far
I would like to take you for granted then
Just for today,
Yes, I am that greedy now

Speaking about greed,
At the very least, I have to be honest about my greed
I learn my lesson well.

Very Nice

You are way too nice,
until sometimes (often)
people took (an) advantage (s) of you

You get that a lot,
You are tired to hear any of it
(by the one that took the advantages)

It gets hard, you know

I feel really frustrated
What do I do now?

When it gets hard,
I think about you
Even you could never give me some courage

Every sad love song that I heard,
I keep seeing in you in my daydream

Every drama scene that brought me into tears,
I'll go cry even harder
Cause I keep holding on to you

I don't have any more power
to try
Try to forget about you

I felt that I should try even harder
Because, sometimes you strike into my life again
popped into my dreams
Then I had to re-view all the pain you caused

Is it pain or joy or anger, I couldn't tell

What should I do?
Ignore it, and this will go stronger.

Damn, man.

Far close, 59 minutes gap

They spent time at the same place
They even ate the same food
Then, stole each other spot, cleared their heads there
She talked to his friends, their friends. 

He probably did the same, after.

The different was, 

She came at 1, him at 12

She ate lunch at 2, him at 1

He cooled things down at 2, her at 3

He had the small talk at 3, her at 4

They will never met in the middle

That was the real definition of
"So close yet so far"

Easier

She grew up become a very "yes man" person because the only thing you know is to said no to others
She grew up become so ignorant because you chose to be so care to little things that aren't so important
She grew up to be someone that put everyone's needs above hers because you full of yourself and never considering the others
She grew up to be someone that believe in everything until people sometimes, maybe use that against her because you took everything, anything for granted

She grew up to be someone that can't hurt somebody even though she wanted to, because you shot people at their head

She grew up to be real silent about her feeling towards everyone because your mind speaks too loud, so is your lips

They grew up to be some spoiled little brats because you never let them man up and face their things

And, she realize, she grow up to trust anyone, everyone and always be positive because someone taught her to be negative and not to believe in anything

She learned her lesson well.
But, Sometimes you just want to blame somebody for your own damages. It's easier that way. 

F-- Love

This is a very, extraordinary story I could ever find on Netflix. Well, it's not a secret that I'm having a romantic affair with romantic comedy movies and series. And I gotta admit that it's really hard to find a perfect rom-com for my eyes. Then, here comes, LOVE.

At first, I was making comment like "seriously, Judd? You're gonna name your rom-com series after LOVE? Isn't it too cheesy and obvious?" But then, after I watched the pilot, I can not stop. LOVE was a total different. From, How I Met Your F-- Mother, from A to Z, from Manhattan Love Story, you name it. LOVE was too real and not cheesy at all.

There was this guy, Gus and this girl, Mickey. Both fucked up, But Mickey is more fucked up than Gus. Or not, I can't really tell. It's mentally good for my mind, I mean I don't have to always put myself into some happy ending rom-com kind of thing.

LOVE was so fucked up yet I can not hate this cause the story was different.

And then, I'm gonna have to wait like for, A YEAR to watch the 2nd season.

Regards,

The Ballads of Network-Internet-Cable

So here's the thing.

I should really be aware of this kind of thing last year, or even 2 or 3 years ago. 2 years ago, I was bragging that cable took over network TV that easy. Then, a year ago and up until now, Netflix and Amazon never cease to amaze us with their innovations. 

After I saw the announcement of Golden Globe Awards last week, it got me thinking too loud. What about Emmys then? 

This year, Mozart in The Jungle took over the best comedy series and Mr. Robot got the best drama series. Both came from internet based show and cable. I know GGA is always having kind of anomaly for TV category, but still. GGA always be the benchmark for the upcoming Emmys. Then, what's left for network TV then?

I remember perfectly clear at year of 06 when The Office won easily over Curb Your Enthusiasm and 24 got so much recognition instead of The Sopranos. I mean, TV was a real deal back then. Take a look at 24, the very best interpretation of drama series with a very great concept. Nothing can beat the idea of making tv show like 24 did. 

ER, SNL, and Cheers still hold the most nominations on Primetime Emmy Awards. It's not because of, there's no cable and Netflix back then. For me it's about sincerity you put inside the show. In retrospect thought, ER was just a medical tv show where the story is all about patient who came around ER with their diseases and the talented doctors came to rescue them, that's it. The very good news is, ER have 194 noms in total, just because of that simple story.  

I don't hate Netflix or Cable show. I'm proudly to say that I'm a House of Cards biggest fans and Homeland's freak. I love them both equally. Back then, people move to cable, cause cable gave us the better story, real story, honest story cause practically they don't care about the ratings and the censorship. You could actually found a very naked men at HBO show. As time goes by, Netflix and later Amazon hacked into our life with bunch of vulgar content which the audiences loves too much. I'm not saying about nudity or nakedness and un-awkward sex in this part, I mean, internet based tv show us the very good story about american undercover side like LGBT theme or something taboo, into a very great tv show. Which we found more interesting and refreshing.

The thing is, network tv show are always up for ratings, viewers, censorship and millions other things. Through the many boundaries, network tv couldn't present the audiences what they really want. CBS for example. CBS know too much that Americans love to see crime based, procedural, court drama, and action show. So, in order to fulfill that market's needs, they tend to produce show like CSI, then make it CSI into 3 different franchise, as we know they did to NCIS too. Then they create bunch of procedural/police/crime drama all over again. Yeah, the ratings are very very very good. NCIS and NCIS: LA are always position themselves in number 2 or 3 (of course NBC still own the Sunday Night Football as the number 1 rating in USA) in top tv ratings. I mean, seriously, this show never got recognition for Emmy and other awards, yet they're still great at ratings. 

Meanwhile, NBC, a very compassionate network who work really hard to create some different stories for tv show, got nothing on ratings since FRIENDS ended up their show in 2004. Also at that year, ER dropped its rating because season 10 was really transitioning for ER. NBC always produce the very best tv show. We can take a look back at Frasier, Cheers, 30 Rock, The Office and  how they took so many awards because of it. They are a very award-ish shows but sadly, they got no numbers on ratings. They always ended up canceled by the network. How sad. I just can not imagine, how NBC will ever survive with ratings? One good thing about NBC is they tried so hard to keep producing a good quality comedy and drama. And it's not procedural. It is so obvious that NBC is really trying to get audiences's heart again just like 80s and 90s. Great ratings and also great quality because back then their show were always picked up for the awards thingy. 

And now, with the advent of cable and internet, what's left for network TV? what's left for NBC? Why bother to do Emmy on the CBS, NBC, ABC, and Fox if there's no noms from network tv in the future? 

I like too see more show like 30 Rock got pick up by NBC, it's not about the ratings, it's the quality. We've seen how NBC took a large amount of Emmys because of their quality not the ratings. Again, we should learn something from Netflix and cable, they did 13 to 15 episodes even maybe 6 episodes with total greatness on each episodes not the 20-24 episodes with the ballads of "highest rating" competition. Again, that was why they took home many awards nowadays. 

The Emmys itself should also give us the basic interpretation for tv show again. I mean, the world is changing. Why do we say Emmys is an award for recognizing work on tv while we are not watching television anymore. Isn't it a little bit weird? If so, then there will be no noms left for network tv to meets Emmys standard then.  Because now, we can compare network and internet or cable show. Network has its own limitation aside from finding a large viewers.

Moreover, I don't care about the how much award they got, I really like to see a seriousness on network tv show to gain our trust into them again. Us, used to spend a lot on Seinfeld, and now we move on to Veep cause Julia Louis Dreyfuss is much better and rude-r, and realistic AF as VP there. 

That's it.

I don't really know why am I talking about this tonight.

I guess I'm too concern.

Goodluck, Network.

See you on the next award to fight for Oustanding Drama Series. 

My own version of throwback to 2015

2015 was, me doing kind of these things.

- Had an opportunity to challenge myself through Thesis. Yes, it was a bit hard to did the Thesis without any guidance from your seniors, cause I got none. It was challenging to find certain topic that suits you well so that you're going to love your Thesis. Also. it was a bit tricky to playing hard to get with your advisor. At the end of the day, she was the one who being real nice to my Thesis. Without her help, I might never got what I wanted. I'll be thankful toward her everyday if I can.

Let me tell you a little bit about my advisor, it was kinda funny. Last year, she taught me Visual Design Communication 3. The moment she entered my class, and being real fussy to all of us, I whispered to one of my friend who sat next to me : 

"I want her to be my advisor, what do you think?". 

She said "Don't you think she's a little bit, ehm you know...." 

"Captious?" I finished her sentence, she nodded. 

"Yeah I know, I might need that. Just like what Mba Vahsti did to me, turns out she's not even make a comment about my project at all back then. She trusted me. I need to be captious tho, you know"

"Ah, whatever"

Then, 5 months later, all of sudden, I didn't even ask Thesis Department to help me find the best Thesis Advisor they got. I just got her. What a fate. 

 

- Being closer to research somehow. One of my lecturer who's in charge in Research and Community Service (later my boss) called me on January, offering me a position as Research Assistant at ASEAN PR Studies Centre owned by LSPR. I was a little bit shock back then. But I remember, a year ago Miss Fiona said to me that I had to get a little closer with research if I'm really serious about getting myself into academic world. At that time, I was in the middle of some confusion cause I still got 3 classes and yet I needed to do internship as part of my credits. 

Without hesitation, I took the job. It was total fun, it is so fun even until today. Every month we had monthly event, I got close to the other staff there. CK, Khina, and Koko, later Kak Phele, are the best colleagues you could ever ask for. May 2015, my great and kind boss, once again offered me a permanent position. I got my first ever real job this year. How fortunate. 

- I decided to participate LSPR's Got Talent audition. 2015 was my final year here. And I felt a little bit guilty. I'm not going to discharging myself without a little piece of contribution. Long story short, I became one of the finalists in singing category. After 2 months of participating in so called boot camp, here comes the grand final. October 15th, just 4 days before my Thesis Defense, I got 2nd Runner Up from this competition. I don't do bullshit but really, it was never cross my mind that I'll ever win this.

- After I created my own drama with my Thesis, I pronounced graduated at October 19th 2015. The defense was amazing, though It was a little bit awkward to be on trial with 80 years old professor of communication. But, I did that after all. 

- September 2015, one of my dream to be a Lecturer Assistant finally came true. I even got 2 classes. One, is something that related to my major, Advertising. It's Commercial Publishing subject. The other one, is Statistics. Weird, I know. But I do always enjoy myself around maths. 

- BG Award Finalist, Citra Pariwara. All thanks to Wafi, my mate and my partner. I think I'll get a lot of cursed from all of my friends at Advertising UI 2010, cause they know too well that I'm not into award thingy. I even made some jokes for those who got real ambition into advertising award. Again, I would like to do something at least before I graduated. It was a really great opportunity tho. I finally got a chance to met Mbak Reddia again. And to be able to gathered around with advertising people and practitioners is a big gift for me. Guess I missed advertising world real bad. 

- Graduation Ceremony at December 3rd. As usual, my friends from Advertising UI were there even on the weekday. Thankful. I met all of people that I would like to meet. Of course my boss. I even arranged my boss to my parents. I met my office mates, Pak Ari, Mam Hera, my advisor Mam Dina, and even Mam Detty. Of course I took a lot of pictures with them. What a blast moment. 

For me, 2015 is a bit tricky. 80 percents are made from happiness. The other 20 percents just some bad luck. I guess, life doesn't always have to be perfect, right? So is human and people. This year was a very amazing year for my life. 

One thing that I still longing about is, to let things go. I haven't got that big heart to do that. Or I'm just too scared. 2015 not always that happy. There was certain moment when I cried like crazy over a thing that I can't be explained from 2007. There was a time when I screamed "It hurts" too many times. Moreover, I thought about loneliness constantly cause nobody, nobody seems to understand this kind of situation I've been dealing with. I don't blame them, never. It was on me.
But, that is what makes my life in 2015 perfect. Because, when I had time to think down, God gave me all this moment above. A moments to be thankful for. 

I think, I will not set my bar and standard as well as bull crap resolutions for 2016 (except for diet thingy hehe). I know it too well that beautiful 2015, happened because I didn't expect anything from the very beginning. I should have done that from the past time though. But, it'll go better. 2016 will do better, I have a strong faith in it. 

Happy New Year!

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